Buffy Snark: Season Two, Ep 1: When She Was Bad or "Buffy Masters All Forms of Grinding"

FINALLY, Season 2, where shit gets real and the lighting gets better so we can actually see what's going on in various shots!
So, we open on an especially thorough "Previously On..." since it's the Season premiere. I'll spare you the details since I assume you know the drill.
Willow and Xander are playing some lame game where they guess what movie a quote is from. Even Willow thinks it's dumb, but Xander points out they've already played Rock, Paper, Scissors till his hand hurt. I guess it is safe to assume that not much has changed for these young nerds over the summer. Xander says the summer has been boring, and Willow points out that at least there were no monsters. Xander is just bummed because Buffy was in LA with her dad all summer, though he swears he's "over her." He does a weird "Witness" impression involving putting ice cream on Willow's nose, and tries to lick it off. Did I block out this part of Witness? Was there a sexy ice cream scene? Anyway, they totally have a moment as he wipes her nose off. Maybe Willow will get her man this year! They almost kiss, but for some reason don't (maybe Xander remembers that he thinks he can do better?), and when they draw apart there's a big ol' vamp looking at them! Xander yells for Willow to run and tries to take on the vamp, but a manicured hand pulls the vamp away. Buffy quickly dusts him, turning around to ask if they missed her smugly.
After the credits, Buffy is a little short with her slayerettes about their lack of preparedness- no crosses or stakes. They tell her it's been quiet all summer- the highlight was when they buried the Master's bones. That'll make for a fun "What I Did on my Summer Vacation" essay! They ask if she's seen Giles, and she is again short, telling them she'll see him at school. Looks like Buffy got a haircut AND a bad attitude in LA!
In Buffy's bedroom, her mother and father are looking over all of the skanky clothes and shoes he bought her over the summer and talking about how she's become distant. Ummm, she's a teenager, I think she's supposed to get distant? The parents have a rap session about how they don't know how to talk to their daughter and... oh sorry, I think I nodded off since this scene is so boring.
It's the first day of school, and we see Cordelia with a few of her cronies, bitching about being forced to spend the summer in Tuscany. Her hair is looking a little orange, and while I'm hoping it's the very sunny shot, I'm guessing she also got her hair did this summer. Anyway, she ponders if she possibly has "too much character," while Principal Snyder and Giles walk together, Snyder bitching about children as if they were an apocalyptic plague (and on this show, that's not impossible). As Snyder gets to the part about hormones and boys being distracted by pretty girls, Jenny Calendar walks up with her new haircut. Damn, I hope they got a group special! Jenny and Giles head off together before Snyder can even notice that no one is listening to him.
Jenny tells Giles she had an "extreme" summer, and that she went to Burning Man. You go, Jenny! She teases Giles with tales of naked mud dancing, and he reveals that he spent the summer with his nose in a book. Shocker! It's cool, she's still flirty, I think she is into the fuddy-duddy vibe Giles has going on. Buffy, Willow, and Xander run into them, and Buffy is totally weird and doesn't really even say "Hi." They loudly discuss vampires in the hallway, and just in case anyone was confused by the season finale (as I was when I first saw it), they didn't get rid of the hellmouth, just closed it, so they're still a center of mystical energy blah blah blah. Giles and Buffy set up a time to train after school, and she continues to be all work and no play as far as talking to him.
TRAINING MONTAGE (all caps to emphasize how ridiculous it is) set to thrashing guitar music. I'm think every action show has a seriously shitty instrumental electric guitar CD for moments like these. Buffy's stunt double does tricks and beats Giles with a staff, but when real Buffy starts beating this dummy thing she has a vision of the Master and breaks the damn thing. Giles is glad she stayed in shape, but she's acting crazy-like, tugging her hair, and flaring her nostrils. I'd say she was on something, but this is Buffy so I guess she's just going through something EMOTIONAL. You know, like us lady-folk do.
Cut to a warehouse, where a black vampire in a vest and poofy sleeves is giving a speech that sounds like it's out of the Vampire Bible or something- I guess another prophecy. I was about to get all excited about a black man being in charge (USA!USA!USA!) but then we see that he's working for the Anointed One, who did NOT get a haircut but DID get a black turtleneck. Ick, seriously, these vamps need a fashion intervention stat. Or maybe he just really likes Steve Jobs (RIP)?
Buffy's daydreaming in the new set, um, student center, when Xander and Willow join her and make smalltalk about dreams. Giles appears with some vampire matters to discuss. Buffy tells him not to worry, and he smiles, saying, "I killed you once, it shouldn't be too difficult to do it again." He decks Buffy and jumps on top of her, choking her while Xander and Willow smile and snack. Buffy reaches Giles' face, and finally rips it off revealing THE MASTER, fruit punch mouth and all.
And then she wakes up in her bed, as it was clearly all a dream, wearing some long sleeved pink satin PJs I wish were a nightmare. I bet she wishes she'd dressed better too, as Angel is perched on her window. She gives him the cold shoulder and he tells her about the Anointed One's new gang. Buffy refuses to be phased and continues to be rude. As he's leaving he murmurs "I missed you," but he's gone before bitch can get over her pride and turn around.
Cue the sappy Alison Krauss music. Buffy's in the car with her Mom, who briefly tries to talk to her about what's wrong before giving up. I'd really like to see Joyce smack the pout right off her face, but she just drives her to school instead.
In the hallway, Willow's pretty psyched about the Angel visit, but I'm too distracted by the continuity error here- Buffy's wearing a different outfit than she was on her way to school, and it features the highest-waisted pants known to man. Seriously, look it up on Ripley's (or don't). Maybe she changed because she had a big interview at an accounting firm after school? Maybe she only wants Joyce to think she's rebelling when really she's business casual? Either way, she tells Willow the visit was strictly business (like her pants). Xander drops that Cibo Matto are playing at the Bronze, and I must admit that this was where I was first exposed to them, and I still freaking love them. Cordelia approaches and attempts to make fun of them, but she seems to have lost her touch. She also looks kind of old and is wearing that 90s hoodrat dark lipliner. I hope Charisma Carpenter did something really nasty to the makeup artists as retribution. Cordy loudly asks if they fought any demons, so Willow and Xander act like fools talking about their personal demons that they fought. Buffy insults her friends and Cordelia before walking away, and Willow and Xander note that the insults were a little too good. Cordy even gives a shit, which is saying a lot.
Cut to the Bronze and the sweet sweet sound of "Spoon" by Cibo Matto. The band, known for their funky style, are all wearing pareos/saris, and Sean Lennon looks a tad bit silly in his, but I guess when you're standing next to the hotness that is Yuka Honda and the cute-as-a-button Miho Hatori you're always going to look dumb? Willow and Xander are talking about whether or not something is up with Buffy (Xander is in denial because he obviously is still all about the Buff). In a lame attempt to recapture their almost-kissing moment from earlier, Willow dips her nose in ice cream (seriously, what kind of freaky club is this? now they have ice cream too?). Of course, Xander is oblivious as he waits for Buffy to arrive.
In a cemetery, the Anointed One and his rag-tag crew dig up the Master. Oh noes!
Cibo Matto starts playing "Sugar Water" (which is also an awesome video by Michel Gondry and one of my theme songs for this Halloween, being a black cat and all), and as soon as the sexy beat comes in, so does Buffy. She's wearing velvet platforms and a dress that manages to be business-ey and slutty at the same time (mainly because she can't be wearing a bra). She sees Angel, and he immediately confronts her by asking if she's mad at him. She is a total bitch, telling him she didn't spend the summer mooning over him and that she's moved on... "to the living." OUCH! Again, even Cordelia notices she's being a beast. Buffy drives the point home by dragging Xander onto the dance floor and basically using him as a pole for her pole dance. Angel has sad face, Willow has sad face, and Xander has "Can she feel my boner?" face. Finally, with her face as close to his as possible, she asks if she ever thanked him for saving her life. He says no. She grinds on him a bit more before whispering "Don't you wish I would?" and peacing out, passing sad/confused Willow, Cordy, and Angel. Bitch! Cordy follows her outside to confront her (seriously, when Cordy is the voice of reason, you know you have issues!), telling her that if she doesn't get over whatever her problem is, she'll lose the few loser friends she has. Buffy blows her off and leaves, just missing Cordelia being dragged off by vampires! They lock her in a room, and she discovers that an unconscious Jenny Calendar is already locked inside. So they're probably just shooting the "Hot Brunettes of Sunnydale High" calendar, right?
Buffy's strolling home through the graveyard, as she is want to do, when she sees that the Master's grave is all dug up. She's shocked and briefly hallucinates that he's standing beside her.
The next day, in the student lounge, Willow is telling Giles that Buffy's possessed. Xander protests that possibly she just really likes him before finally agreeing that it's more likely she's possessed. Poor guy! Giles isn't convinced and asks what could be possessing her. Xander opines that maybe when she killed the Master he possessed her. I guess the Master likes a little bump and grind as much as the next skank? Willow straight up calls Buffy a bitch. Finally, the gloves are off! Giles says that the explantation may be more mundane, and that Buffy went through something rough and may have some baggage. Of course, she walks up while he's saying this, and Xander tries to pretend they were talking about trout. I guess he and Anne of Green Gables have the same train of thought. Buffy's totally wearing the outfit from the car scene with Joyce, continuity error solved! Buffy tells them about the missing Master and is pissed at Giles because he said he was gone for good. Way to direct your anger, Buff! Willow tries to stick up for Giles but Buffy shuts "the civilian" down. Finally Snyder appears and tells them to get to class/job, because REALLY. At least when they had their meetings in the library it wasn't painfully obvious that they're all skipping every day.
They reconvene after school in the library, where Giles has found a book about the ritual to bring back a vampire. The bad guys need his bones (which they have- and did we ever really address why the Master even left a skeleton behind?) and the rest is unclear- someone close to the Master. Buffy insists that means her, since they killed each other and all. Just as they're wondering when the vamps will make their move, a rock is thrown through the window with a note and Cordelia's ugly choker tied around it. They want Buffy to meet them at the Bronze, or they'll eat Cordelia. Despite the gang's arguments, Buffy insists on going, and going alone, saying she can't keep looking after them while she's fighting. It's HER fight, or whatever.
As she's on her way to HER fight, she runs into Angel, who wants to help and asks why she's "riding" him (you wish!). She tells him she doesn't trust him because he's a vampire (This would be a lot more believable if she wasn't wearing his jacket). She also challenges him to a fight, so he reminds her that she's actually supposed to be doing something OTHER than being a bitch. She heads to the Bronze, finding a crying brunette on the ground. Without even looking at her, Buffy states "That's not Cordelia" to Angel, who has followed her. It's a vampire, who says she won't tell where Cordy is. Angel frowns, why the bait when there's no real trap?
Back at the library, Giles has finally worked out that pesky translation! They need the people who were closest to the Master physically when he died. And... um, that's this bunch! Giles looks up to see vamps moving into the library to snatch them.
Buffy leaves Angel to babysit the brunette vampire (or you could just kill her?) and heads back to the library to see only a mess and Xander, with a bloodied face. Xander rightfully tells her that if she hadn't been such a lameass bitch and had worked with them, this wouldn't have happened. He even says "If they hurt Willow I'll kill you." Finally, bitch is getting back what she's been dishing out.
Since they don't know where the party is, Buffy takes to beating up the brunette vamp (OK, now I get it!) for information. She's not particularly talkative, so Buffy tortures her with the old "cross-in-the-mouth" trick.
At the warehouse we saw before, the gang is unconscious and suspended above the Master's bones, while old puffy-sleeves is talking too much as usual, not knowing that Buffy, Angel, and Xander are all up in there. Puffy-sleeves is blessing a knife, but before everyone can say their part, Buffy stakes a vamp. Everyone starts to fight her, while Angel and Xander start to reel in their friends, who are on a sort of clothingline contraption. Angels fights the vamps that try to stop them. The gang begins to wake up, Xander tells them Buffy's "working out her issues."
Alas, puffy sleeves now has a sledgehammer and tells her he's going to grind her into a "STICKY paste." It's already a weird line, and then he emphasizes sticky. I can't wait for her to dust him. And, as I say it, she sets him on fire and he's dust. Buffy grabs the sledgehammer and crushes the bones. Giles and Jenny watch together, Xander and Willow are cuddled, and there's no sign of Cordelia so I'm guessing Xander knocked her back out or something. Buffy finishes her grinding (she has mastered all sorts of grinding!) and cries into Angel's chest, so everything's back to normal I guess.
Back at school, Cordelia clearly got the high-waisted pant fever from Buffy. She's talking to Ms. Calendar about the ordeal, and is traumatized by the stains. Meanwhile, Buffy's telling Giles she can't face her friends after being such a bitch to them. I'm way distracted by the weird way she's wearing a sweater around her shoulders. I mean, it's pinned together. Not even a mom would do that, Buff. Come on. Giles tells her it will be fine (the friends sitch, not the sweater, it is NOT fine). Buffy goes to class and finds that Willow and Xander have saved her a seat. Sweet piano music plays while they make fun of the teacher and plan their night, so clearly the gang is fine. Thank god! The piano continues for entirely too long.
Ah, did we forget about the Anointed One? He's in the warehouse, surveying the crushed bones, and cursing Buffy. Pretty scary threat coming from a 6-year-old with bad hair and a turtleneck!
Sooo, this episode is a bit odd as Buffy is so out of character at times, but in a way it works with the moodiness of teenagers. The moral is: if you're being a bitch to your friends you should think about what the real problem is and then grind it up with a sledgehammer. To a STICKY paste.

Buffy Snark: Season One, Ep 12: Prophecy Girl or "The Master Gets Boned"

I must mention that this episode was already broken down brilliantly by the Bitter Buffalo, check it out for your fashion fix!
The cheesy voice leads us into a little catch up for the season, since this is the FINALE! What did we miss? Why, Buffy's a slayer, Angel's a hot vampire, and the Master wants the hell out of his underground lair. Sidenote- if he's been down there so long, he really could have done something with the place. But I guess he probably doesn't have a huge cashflow and head-to-toe leather is NOT cheap (I mean, think of the deodorant costs alone, people).

We open on the Bronze, where we can only hear Xander is declaring his love to Willow in the nerdliest manner possible. Alas, as the conversation continues we find that Xander is only practicing on Willow, as he still only pines for Buffy (and any insect/cougar that gives him the time of day). Poor Willow! Xander is wearing a collared brown stripey terrycloth number that looks like he stole it off of Jack Tripper in Three's Company. Why did terrycloth have a comeback in the 90s?? I guess it's convenient if you spill things a lot... which I do. Anyway, Xander's all anxious about asking Buffy to the big dance, but can't because she's not there. Willow says she's off doing the usual...

And we cut to a steamed up car parked in a field. Who parks in a field? I know for a fact that Sunnydale has a lover's lane, we go there in Season 4! Anyway, before we can find out who's doing it, Buffy is thrown to the ground in slo-mo.

Oh, shocker, it's Cordelia and Mitch (I assume it's Mitch, it's dark) in the car, and she thinks she heard something. Anyway, the vamp thinks he's got a good thing going until Buffy pulls out her stake and gives him this smarmy smile. She dusts him quickly and remarks that she's killed 3 vamps in one night, thinking that Giles would be proud.
Cut to an artsy shot through the glass ceiling I never knew the library had. I mean, it's always so dark in there, you'd think they'd get more sunlight. Anyway, Giles is, as usual, reading, this time that Codex Angel hooked him up with last episode. He's found a prophecy that says the Master will rise and the slayer will... he doesn't finish but the look of horror suggests that this isn't a good prophecy. A good Brit, Giles turns to his tea in these troubled times only to see that it's shaking- it's an earthquake! We see Willow and Xander duck under the staircase in the Bronze, Cordelia and Possible-Mitch confused in the sexy car, and Buffy looking around outside. Giles has it the worst, as the library is BUSTED, shelves fall, the wall cracks, the floor cracks and sinks in. And then we see those manicured white claws belonging to the Master, still underground, but rejoicing because this earthquake is all just part of his plan. The Anointed One looks pretty bored with it all. Me too, kid!
Buffy shows up in the library the next day and is surprised by the damage. Giles is surprised that she's alive, but hides it as well as he can. Buffy tells him about her hunt the night before and says that the vamps are ballsier than usual these days. She looks for sympathy by showing him a broken nail, but he tells her he doesn't have time for that bullshit. Buffy says she has to meet her terrible fate, and Giles perks up, but she's only talking about Biology.

After class, Buffy, Xander, and Willow are discussing how boring class was (in effect only lengthening the amount of time they waste on it). This time Xander isn't wearing a 70s blouse but instead a blouse made from a 70s couch. Come to think of it, they all kind of look part of their outfit was once a home interior. Willow's wearing a crocheted throw and Buffy's skirt was once a Louis XIV brocade chair. Xander interrupts my train of thought by hinting for Willow to get gone so he can put the moves on Buffy. Willow skedaddles accordingly. Xander awkwardly sits her down to ask her out, and she makes the face pictured here. Please be advised that if someone makes this face that means no. You don't even have to keep going. OK, it means no, or that possibly someone has just run over their foot while you were asking them out. Buffy tells him that she doesn't want to "spoil the friendship" they have, and Xander asks her point-blank if she has feelings for him. She tell him that she honestly doesn't. After sniveling about how he'll wait for her, he makes a dig at Angel by saying Buffy's only into dead guys. Harsh, but true.
Giles is in his office making what sure sounds like a bootycall- "Come after sundown." Ooo! Ms. Calendar (remember her? Giles' love interest from that lame robot episode?) stands in the doorway perhaps looking for a bootycall of her own. She calls Giles out for wearing the same outfit for two days and wonders if he's been sleeping. Giles tries to blow her off but she says that she knows something's going on and she thinks he knows what's happening. He asks her what she knows and she shows him what she's found- a cat giving birth to snakes, a boiling lake, and a baby with its eyes facing inward- all signs of the apocalypse. Sounds like she's been buying those tabloids at the grocery store checkout? She mentions that a monk has been emailing her about some "Anointed One" and Giles perks up at that. He says the Anointed One is dead (they still think it was that army vamp they killed!) but asks her to get in touch with the monk anyway to see what he has to say about the prophecy. She's annoyed that he won't tell her anything, but agrees to get in touch with the monk anyway. Because she loooooooves him.
Cordelia and Mitch (seriously, I'm not good at faces but I'm thinking this is not the same Mitch! But they were so serious last episode! I keep waiting for her to say his name!) are walking down the hall going over everything they need to do for the big dance. Why are kids setting up a dance? Doesn't the school do that? Or the PTA? Anyway, Mitch-ish has to pick up speakers and take them to the Bronze or something, I lost interest. They are both super-nice to each other and remark on how it's weird that they're acting nice. Cordelia enlists Willow to help set up the soundsystem, but Willow is distracted by Xander being openly sad in a nearby classroom. He's slumped over and throwing a ball against a wall. Willow asks how it went (as if this sad ball-throwing could possibly be a celebration?), and he fills her in. He asks Willow to go to the dance with him, but she says no, that she'd rather not watch him wish he was with Buffy all night. She says that he should know better, and he really should since we know he knows Willow loves him (he says as much in the Pack). She leaves and he says that he'll just go home and "listen to country music. The music of pain." Right on.
Buffy's alone in a dark locker room, which really never seems to turn out well for her. She is, by the way, walking around non-stealthily with a large stake in her hand, putting it down by the sink to wash her... I dunno, she turns the water on and stares at herself in the mirror for a bit. I imagine she's wondering why her bangs are so much lighter than the rest of her hair. She looks down and sees the faucet is pouring out BLOOD rather than water. Ew! She runs to the library and sees Giles and Angel in Giles' office, arguing about the prophecy. (So Giles had to tell Angel to come after sundown? Just in case Angel forgot and walked outside and burst into flames?) Buffy's all excited to see Angel but then she overhears that she's supposed to face the Master and die tomorrow night. She laughs in a really crazy way, alerting them to her presence, and drawing them out into the library. She gets all weepy and asks if it's going to hurt, then declares that she quits. Giles protests, and she throws some books at him. It's a very mature display all in all. Angel tries to reason with her by talking about how much she means to him, but she won't hear it because he never has to worry about dying. She insists that she's out of the vampire slaying game and even rips off her signature cross necklace before storming out.
Cut to Willow doing some homework and getting distracted by a photo of her and Xander monkeying around. She calls him but he's too busy listening to Patsy Cline and probably pondering suicide to talk.
Buffy's also looking at photos, pictures of herself as a little girl because she's kind of selfish like that. Joyce comes in, and she is wearing the 90s mom uniform of a denim blouse. Buffy begs her mom to take her out of town for the weekend, and Joyce assumes that this is all because Buffy didn't get asked to the dance. She gives Buffy a white prom dress that was so hot at the time, and now kind of reminds me of a renaissance fair. Joyce tells Buffy that she met Buffy's dad at a dance she went to by herself. And clearly that all worked out in the end! Buffy loves the dress but is still bummed about the whole supposed-to-die-tomorrow thing.
The next morning Cordelia and Willow are looking for the boys at school, because KEVIN (not Mitch!!) didn't meet her as planned. They find the boys, watching cartoons in what I guess is a crappy student lounge that we've never seen before and won't again. Only soon we find that they're not watching cartoons, they're dead, with huge neckwounds, and the TV screen playing Porky Pig has a bloody handprint on it. It's a pretty creepy scene- well done, Joss.
Buffy's admiring her gussied-up self in the mirror in her new dress. But then her mom tells her that she saw Willow on the news. Buffy rushes to her side, Willow vocalizes how freaked out she is, and Buffy leaves to do something about it!

The master is doing his fun hand-ripple trick. You just know he's the life of a party! Then he sends the Anointed One out into the sewers to do his dirty work. In all fairness, he's trapped down there.

Jenny Calendar gives us some exposition, just in case anyone missed anything, the Master tried to open the Hellmouth long ago, got stuck while doing so, and now it seems that he's going to get out and open it for real (and in turn end the world). She's also surprised that Buffy's the slayer, since she's "so little." Giles asks her if she managed to get in touch with the monk, Brother Luka. She says he's gone missing, but I'm pretty sure he lives on the second floor? Anyway, before Luka went into hiding, he posted a bible verse online that reads about animals living in harmony, and a little child leading them. Giles remembers that the Aurelius text on the Anointed One says that the slayer won't know him but he'll lead her into hell. Ergo, the Anointed One is a kid! Now we're catching up. Jenny wants to warn Buffy, but Giles says that Buffy isn't getting involved, and that he's going to face the Master himself. It's pretty unlikely, but his odds of getting into Ms. Calendar's pants just got better. Alas, Buffy appears to cockblock in her prom dress and leather jacket combo, clearly a tribute to the Buffy movie (of which I cannot find a picture of her prom dress/leather jacket outfit, which is pretty much criminal). She tells him he's not going, he argues, so she KNOCKS HIM OUT. Buffy grabs her necklace and crossbow and heads off to fight the Master, figuring if he's going to kill her maybe she can at least take him with her.

She leaves the school and immediately finds the Anointed One, calling for help. She tells him it's cool, she knows what's up, and she's down, so he drops the act and takes her hand, leading her off to meet her leathery doom.

Giles is awake and has called in Willow and Xander, who are freaking out that Buffy has gone to face the Master. Ms. Calendar reminds them that if the Hellmouth opens, the world will end, but Willow and Xander are pissed that she's even there and just worried about Buffy, which is kind of cute I guess in a shortsighted way. Xander says that he knows how to find out where she's gone, and peaces.

As Buffy heads down the sewer tunnels in her prom dress, Xander is knocking on Angel's door. I call shenanigans, because there is no way in hell that Xander knows where Angel lives. He tells Angel the situation and asks him to take Xander to the Master, but Angel tells him he's out of his league. Xander whips out a cross and lets Angel have it- he tells him the truth, that he hates him, but Buffy for some reason thinks he's a good guy, and that he needs to prove her right.

Back at the library, Jenny raises a valid question- where exactly is the Hellmouth? We know it's in Sunnydale, but where will the earth open up?

The Annointed One finally brings Buffy to the Master's underground lair, which looks like he won a shopping spree at Illuminations in the mall. I don't know if he wants to kill her or bone her. But probably both, since he's a leather daddy vampire and all. The Master welcomes her, though she can only hear him, because he's super sneaky and it's not like tight leather pants squeak when you move or anything. Buffy makes some small-talk jokes about his pad, the Master calls her on it, so she shoots her crossbow- but he catches the arrow before it can pierce his chest.

Xander and Angel are on their way, and Xander is accusing Angel of scoping his neck. He wishes! I know what you're thinking, but it's too dark to tell if Angel's rocking the velvet tonight. I mean, it's a pretty safe assumption at this point.

Buffy's trying to reload while the Master mocks her and disappears again, his voice echoing that she isn't the hunter in this situation. Oooooo.

Giles and Jenny are still pondering where the Hellmouth is exactly, since that's where the Master will rise if he gets it open. Willow mentions that the last shindig the Master sponsored was the Harvest, which was at the Bronze, and- oh noes!, the prom is at the Bronze tonight! Jenny and Willow head off leaving Giles alone with his books, aka his ideal evening.

Buffy's searching for the Master between dusty candelabras and skeletons. She mentions that hiding is kind of lame, and he says he's "waiting" for her. Likely story, coward! Soon enough he sneaks up on her and grabs her by the throat. The suspense!

Jenny and Willow are heading to Jenny's car, and Willow wonders aloud what will happen if they're too late and the vamps get to the Bronze first. Jenny tells her that's not an issue, and we see that hordes of the undead are heading towards them. Guess the Hellmouth's in the school! The vamps move in and surround our damsels in distress.

Back underground, Buffy breaks free from the Master but he quickly uses his vamp magic tricks to disarm her. He gets all creepy and removes her leather jacket (probably for his collection!), whispering that if she hadn't come he couldn't escape! Killing her is what will set him free. Too bad Luka didn't have a bible verse about that handy! The Master lets her cry a sec before digging into her neck. Finally he shows himself to be a bit of the badass we've been told he is. Strangely, he only drinks for second before tossing her facedown into a pool of water, snarkily telling her he likes her dress. We see our last sweet glimpse of the hand ripple before he busts through the magical barrier, causing a huge flash of light.

In the sewer tunnels, Angel and Xander see the light and Angel knows it means the Master is off the chain. They rush into his lair and find Buffy in the water, and Xander looks devastated while Angel pulls her out. He tells Xander that she's dead. Luckily, Xander does not give up so easily and gives her CPR (since Angel can't breathe and all). I wouldn't be surprised if this is the farthest he's ever gotten with a lady! Also, when they show Buffy, his hand looks way too high on her chest to be properly performing CPR to me. In all fairness it's been a loooong time since the middle school demonstration, so consult those posters in restaurants.
Back where Willow and Jenny are about to become vamp food, Cordelia pulls up in her car and yells for them to get in. Yay! So glad Cordy's skipping the dance to save their lives, though it's more than a little out of character.
Xander continues to give Buffy mouth-to-mouth while wishing this could happen while she was conscious. After a few more blows and thrusts (dirty!), she opens her eyes and coughs up some water, while Angel and Xander share a little smile. Don't get used to that.
Willow tells Cordelia that they need to get to the library, and with no other way to get away from the crowd of vamps, Cordy drives right through the doors and up to the library. They run inside, immediately being attacked through the doors, and Giles helps them to barricade them. Behind them, a grody tentacle is creeping out of a crack caused by the earthquake. Ew!
We see the Master enjoying an evening walk on a roof. I'll add that to his match.com profile stat. Right under, "Leather daddy seeking nocturnal twink."
Angel and Xander help the very wet Buffy up, and she realizes the Master is out and about. They try to make her rest but she insists that she feels strong and ready. I guess drowning was kind of like a restful vacation? That's sure seeing the glass half full! She says "Let's go," and they do.
Things are getting crazy in the library as everyone scurries to block the various entrances. Willow doesn't notice the nasty nasty tentacle creeping towards her nasty nasty shoes.
Cue the Buffy theme song as she strides towards school in her drippy prom dress. She says she "just knows" where the Master is. Did she drown in a magic fountain? Suddenly she's psychic? She sees a vampire and punches him as they walk by. It's supposed to look all cool, but when you think about the fact that he'll be on his feet terrorizing innocents within a few minutes, it really is sloppy work. She finds the stairs to the roof and leaves Xander and vamp-faced Angel to guard the door.
In the library, Cordelia bites a vampire to escape it's grip. Karma! Willow is snared by the tentacle, and before you can say "Phallic imagery," a big ol' tentacle monster pops out of the ground.
"The hellmouth," Giles murmurs. Yes, we got that.
Remember that glass ceiling on the library we never saw before? Well it's mighty convenient, since the Master is watching this shit unfold from above and clapping as though he were watching "Hellmouth!! The Musical!" Buffy shows up and surprises him, since she's supposed to be dead, and this time she's less powerless and more bitchy, making fun of his looks. She is able to break his hypnotic chokehold and deck him. They continue to fight while Giles attacks the tentacle monster with an axe below. He is almost knocked out again when the monster knocks him into a table so hard it breaks, leaving a big pointy piece of wood pointing upwards. Again, mighty convenient. The monster must not be particularly effective, as it's had Willow (and pretty much Jenny too) trapped for a few minutes now yet nothing is happening to them other than a possible tentacle burn on the ankle.
Buffy and the Master continue to spar, until he grabs her by the throat. She glances through the glass roof and sees that awesome pointy wood spike the monster made for her. Soon enough, she turns the tables, grabbing the Master by the throat and throwing him through the glass, onto the spike, where he dies unlike any other vampire- instead of turning to dust he looks like he's turning into angry bees or something, and he leaves behind a skeleton. Weird. As he dies, the tentacle monster is sucked back into the hellmouth. Well that's nice!
Buffy walks into the library followed by Angel and Xander. They all survey the bones of the Master and assess that the vamps are gone, the Master dead, and the hellmouth closed. Xander tells them that Buffy "died," and Giles says he should have known that death wouldn't stop her. They share a smile. Since their work here is done, they head to the Bronze to party. Angel mentions he likes her dress. We close on the Master's bones, left as they were for some poor janitor to discover come Monday. The End of Season One!!
Phew, we survived that dark and sappy season and are ready to start Season 2 soon... and that's when things really get interesting. I'll update a lot sooner if you comment and let me know you'd like me to!

Bad Brides

OK, many apologies to anyone who actually read this and is wondering where Prophecy Girl is. In truth, it's almost finished, as I've been working on it little by little, which is a bad call as then I have to re-read everything and make sure I don't sound like too much of an asshole. Soon, I promise.

Anyway, because I am a total asshole, I am starting a new type of post here where I mock strangers' wedding photos. As part of my job, I have to go through tons of wedding photos looking for a certain thing I won't mention since this blog is anonymous :) Anyhoo, pretty much every day I find something bizarre and laughable, so I'm going to share them with you.

Today's selections are from a fairly tasteful wedding in Savannah. The bride is so conservative she is wearing sleeves (not easy to find these days in bridal!), but not so conservative that she didn't let the photographer shoot her husband hiking her skirt up to her ass cheek or get the money shot at the end of the night. I'm pretty sure this ended in a photodocumentary 3-way. En

joy:

Buffy Snark: Season One, Ep 11: Out of Mind, Out of Sight or "Clea Duvall Really Phoned This In"

Hey guys (or hey Sean more like it)!! Sorry for the gap in posts, I actually started writing this post on January 11th, which means that was the day I was home sick with a nasty fever. I started it and decided I wasn't sharp enough to successfully snark, and then... work happened... and i started a side business... and the blog suffered. Apologies. Without further ado:

Cheesy voice. Just sayin'.
OK, I remember this being another cheeseball episode, but the good news is it's all about Cordelia! We start out with Cordy walking down the hall with her boyfriend (who's never been mentioned) and her BFF Harmony, as they gab about how school will be over soon (and Season 1 too, hooray!) and that means the end of school dance! Cordy's thusfar unnamed boyf thinks she has blue eyes, and she calls him Helen Keller, but stops short of spelling out "dumbass" on his hand. Even on my dusty computer screen, I can see that she has dark eyes. They talk about how Cordelia will likely be "May Queen" at the dance, but are interrupted when Buffy- doing what she does best- runs into them spilling weapons all over the place. This time including a big flail (that's the spiky ball on a chain weapon, for those of you who didn't just wikipedia that). It's a flail fail! Instead of accepting that Cordelia really doesn't care about what she's up to, Buffy goes on about how it's for show and tell in history class. Show and tell in high school? Sure... Harmony mentions how creepy she is, and they walk off while Cordelia tells the (true) story of Buffy assaulting her at the Bronze in the pilot. Buffy remains on her knees amidst weapons looking all sad-faced. I'd concentrate on putting away the flail before someone who gives a shit walks by.

And to make her sad face even cheesier, it fades into a teacher reading Shylock's famous speech from the Merchant of Venice, "If you prick us, do we not bleed?" It's almost as if Shakespeare wrote it about being unpopular at school... sike. Cordelia says that Shylock is self-involved. When Willow (the resident Jew) pipes up about Shylock being shunned in society, Cordy shuts her downs saying it's not an excuse to ask for a pound of flesh (and I agree) and then compares the whole situation to when she ran a girl over and all the girl cared about was her own leg. Did I mention I love her? It's like a character from Clueless got lost on set and ended up in the Buffy world. The bell rings, and Cordy talks to Ms. Miller, who commends her for her class participation, while Willow's eyes roll to heaven in the background. Cordelia wants to meet with Ms. Miller to discuss her final paper, because she's so unfocused. This is a different side to Cordy than we've seen before.. she cares about schoolwork. Just not as much as chunky heels and miniskirts and being a bitch. Ms. Miller is super-nice and they make an appointment to talk... uh-oh! Super-nice teachers don't last long at this school. Cordelia joins Harmony in the hallway and says that her dress is in and "Mitch is gonna die!" Again, uh-oh! And I guess her boyfriend is named Mitch... good to know!

Cut to Mitch leaving the shower in the locker room. He's got a huuuuuuuge... towel. Two cheesy dudes come up and talk to him about taking Cordelia to the dance. One says "You have to look good to be on Cordelia's arm," and Mitch says "It's not her arm I'm trying to be on." Ooooo snap! This calls for a high five, but alas, they just leave. Mitch puts on his pants, and we hear footsteps and a giggle. Mitch asks the mysterious giggler to show themselves, and grabs for his baseball bat- but before he can get it, it's levitating! It starts to beat on him, and the locker, and the camera! This monster has bad aim!
After the credits, Cordelia is campaigning to be May Queen in the hallway. Who went to a school where people campaigned to be queen at a dance? Isn't it just the most popular girl, or prettiest, or whatever? In other words, Cordy, it's in the bag! And in your case, it's probably a Gucci bag (cause this was the 90s, when Gucci bags were cool and Tom Ford wasn't a total see you next tuesday). She's handing out chocolates with Cs on them. They're not even individually wrapped. Ew. Clearly pre-swine flu. She offers one to Buffy but changes her mind, saying she doesn't need the "loony fringe vote." Buffy makes sad face again. If she doesn't get over being unpopular soon, I'm going to beat her with a baseball bat. Unfortunately, Willow and Xander walk up and don't help as they keep talking about inside jokes from before Buffy lived there. Xander asks what kind of moron cares about May Queen and Buffy admits that she was the Queen at her last school. Again with the sad face. Luckily, a jock interrupts as he runs through the halls announcing that Mitch was beaten badly and might be dead.

Cut to Principal Snyder, crankily insisting that no one's dead... this week. Mitch is brought out of the locker room on a stretcher and looking pretty much fine, other than some dark eye makeup. Who thought he was dead? Buffy asks him what happened, and the EMTs kindly stop so they can have their conversation, since they don't have anywhere urgent to be or anything. Mitch says that the bat hit him on its own. Buffy tries to get into the locker room to investigate, but Snyder isn't having it, so Willow distracts him by saying that Mitch might sue. Buffy makes it into the locker room, where the baseball bat is now very inanimate. She discovers that someone has written "LOOK" across the lockers.
Buffy fills in the gang at lunch, and Giles decides it's ether telekinesis, something invisible, or a poltergeist. He asks Xander for help with research, and he tries to get out of it until he's presented with the option of talking to Cordelia... suddenly research sounds pretty good!
Between classes, Harmony asks Cordelia why she missed 5th period. Cordy says she went to the hospital to see Mitch, and that the doctor said he'll be ok, but Cordelia's more focused on how he'll look in their prom pictures. Harmony assures her that it can be fixed with airbrushing, when we are thrown into a flashback! Cordy and Harm are talking in the same hallway about how Mitch is trying to date Cordy a little too soon after breaking up with his last piece. The vapid Cordy says she may give him a chance if he makes varsity baseball. Someone we can't see says "Hey guys!" and Cordy and Harm get their bitch on, saying "What do YOU want?"
Back to the present, Cordy and Harm are heading for the stairs when Buffy shows up asking to speak to Cordy in private. As they pause, Harmony goes flying down the stairs. And I only just noticed she was wearing a powder blue pantsuit. Who is she, Matlock? Snyder sends somebody for a nurse. When he asks what happened, Cordelia says she just fell by herself, but Harmony insists she was pushed. There's an evil chuckle that nobody but Buffy seems to notice. Buffy runs back up the stairs and sees a door close, so she goes through the door into the band room. Something invisible brushes past her, and she tries to follow it, insisting that she only wants to talk to it. She doesn't notice a ceiling tile being pushed into place.
After school, we see two men in black suits lurking around, though no one else seems to notice. Buffy asks Giles if he's ever touched a ghost, and he says no, but that he's heard it feels cold and makes your hair stand on end. Buffy says this thing wasn't cold and didn't pass through her, so from the sound of the laugh she's deduced it's an invisible girl. And given the victims, they decide whoever the invisible girl is, she's mad at Cordelia. Instead of following up ASAP, Buffy tells Willow she can look through the missing girl reports in the morning. If it was anyone but Cordelia in danger, I think they'd stay after school. I mean, at least a couple hours! Willow and Xander head home, while Buffy tells Giles that Cordelia's having her dress fitting that night and that she'll keep an eye on things.
She returns to school in head to toe black leather. Ooo, the Master would be so pissed that she's ripping off his signature look. Cordelia's in a room with 5 girls fawning over her. First of all, dress fittings don't happen in school classrooms. Secondly, none of these girls looks like a professional tailor to me. And thirdly, Cordelia's custom gown is fugly. She looks like she's working a renaissance fair, it's a light taupe corset top with a mauve skirt. Buffy spies on them for a bit before she hears some creepy flute music. In the library, Giles hears it too. That's a loud flute! Giles hears a door and looks around until he runs into Angel! Giles and Angel make some small talk, which for them involves how Angel doesn't feed on humans and how he can't be around Buffy because it's too hard. Giles mentions that Angel's in love with her, and he doesn't deny it. Angel's there because he's worried about the Master finding out Buffy stole his outfit. OK, he's worried about what the Master's up to and wants to see what books Giles has access to. Nerds! Giles lists some volumes he has, but says that the really pertinent books have been lost for centuries. He mentions one called the Codex, and Angel perks up, he knows where that one is and can finally be useful for once. Giles looks like he's about to orgasm just thinking about it. Giles tells Angel about their invisible girl problem, and that it seems like a great power to be invisible. Angel says that looking in the mirror and seeing nothing isn't as great as it may sound. And he would know.

Cut to another washed-out flashback. It's Clea Duvall looking in the mirror! Y'all know her right? If you haven't seen "But I'm a Cheerleader" you should! Anyway, Clea is in the bathroom when Cordy and her minions walk in. They're complaining about some lecture they sat through and Clea is super-friendly and tries to joke around with them, but they ignore her and then Cordy steals her dumb cabbage toupee joke and everyone laughs. It's like they didn't even hear her! Or more likely, are huge bitches. Clea smiles until they leave and then she gets this contagious sad-face. Note- there is a girl at work I pretend not to hear sometimes. I think her escapades may turn into a blog feature, because you can't make this shit up.

Anyway, back to the present, where Cordelia is named the May Queen. She's wearing an adorable yellow and white dress that is kind of Jackie O meets Michelle Obama's yellow inaguaration ensemble. I guess that makes sense since she campaigned or whatever. Buffy's watching her from across the quad, wearing sunglasses. Sunglasses=stealth. Willow and Xander approach to give her the list of dead or missing kids, which appears to be a few pages so it must be in like a 4pt font. They notice the two men in black suits and wonder if Cordelia hired bodyguards. Buffy sees that the most recent missing girl, Marcie, played the flute in band. Bingo! Willow and Xander say they don't know her at all. Buffy heads to the band room and finds a weird dusty footprint that leads her to the ceiling tile we saw move earlier. She climbs into the ceiling and for some reason I find this to be one of the most disgusting/creepy things she's had to do. Screw turning into a vampire, my greatest fear may be public school crawlspaces. (Just kidding. It's snakes.) Buffy finds Marcie's hideout- a makeshift bedroom and the flute in question- and we can tell from some dumb camera angles that Marcie's watching. Buffy finds her yearbook and confirms her identity, while we see a knife raise behind Buffy's back- but Marcie retreats, possibly because Buffy obviously is respectful of her bedroom/crawlspace/hellhole. But not so respectful that she doesn't take Marcie's yearbook when she goes.

Weird angle approaching Ms. Miller, Cordy's fav teacher... I told you to be worried for her! She hears footsteps and giggles but doesn't see anyone... and then her face is covered in plastic. This method of killing has always seemed especially creepy to me. Luckily, Cordy comes in for her meeting and finds Ms. Miller passed out, pulling the bag off her head which revives her a little too easily. As she gasps for air, Cordy sees that the chalk is writing, seemingly on its own, "LISTEN."

In the library, Buffy shows the gang the yearbook she found. Every single person signed it "Have a nice summer," and the kids have to explain to deadbeat Giles that that's what you write when you have nothing to say to the person. Willow and Xander are surprised to learn that they too wrote this in the yearbook, and each had 4 classes with the girl they don't remember at all. If you ask me, she's better off invisible! Giles finally realizes that because no one noticed her for so long, she became invisible, and tries to pass it off as physics. I must have missed that day in high school.

Flashback to Ms. Miller's class, where Marcie/Clea sits next to Cordelia. Ms. Miller is asking A LOT of questions and every time Marcie raises her hand and is ignored by the teacher. She looks at her hand and sees that it's become translucent. She doesn't look particularly freaked out. Interesting choice, Clea.

In the present, Buffy feels pretty bad that Marcie was treated so badly that something like this could happen. They find Cordelia's photo and it's been totally defaced, so it looks like their theory was right. And, speak of the devil, Cordelia rushes in screaming that this is all about her, and as Xander puts it, "for once she's right!" She wants Buffy's help because she's strong and has weapons, so she hoped she was in a gang. LOVE HER. Giles mentions that he's never seen Cordelia in the library and she replies, "Oh no, I have a life." Buffy tells Cordy that an invisible girl is after her and Cordy doesn't seem surprised at all (really?). Cordelia looks at Marcie's school photo and says she's never seen her before. Poor Marcie. If I didn't love Cordy so much, I would route for her. They decide that Marcie's going to try to ruin the May Queen coronation, and that they will use Cordelia to bait Marcie out of hiding. Unfortunately, a dumb camera angle shows us that Marcie was listening in on their little plan.

Buffy and Cordelia are walking together and Cordelia muses that Marcie must have felt horribly alone. Buffy jokes that Cordelia must have read about loneliness, to which Cordy gets serious and says that she can be surrounded by people and feel completely alone. But, being popular beats being alone by yourself, says Cordy. DEEP. Buffy makes that damn sad-face again because she realizes she was assuming and as Al Franken says, "when you assume you make an ass out of Uma Thurman." I love Al Franken.

In the library, Willow shushes her friends because she hears the creepy flute! She, Xander, and Giles decide to follow the music because obviously the 3 of them are totally capable of handling any situation without Buffy... sure. Giles says maybe they can reason with her (because murderous invisible girls are often rational).

Buffy takes Cordelia to a "mop closet" (is that like a broom closet?) to get dressed. I think the rationalization is that the invisible girl won't find her there, but I thought the plan was to use Cordy as bait so why's she hiding?

The 3 amigos follow the music to the basement and try to call out to Marcie as if a loser intervention is going to stop her. Xander finds a tape recorder playing the music, and before they can run the door is slammed on them and the hiss of gas can be heard. Marcie played them better than a flute! I'm kind of on Marcie's side right now.

Buffy's waiting for Cordelia to get into her horrible dress, and decides it's a good time to tell Cordelia that understands her pain because she was popular once too. Lame! Through the "mop closet" door, there are sounds of a scuffle, and Buffy breaks the door down to see Cordelia being pulled up into the ceiling. Go Marcie!

In the basement, Giles and the kids are unable to turn off the gas because Marcie broke the shut-off valve. Girl is way smarter than I was at that age. Or maybe just more of a terrorist? Anyway, they can't break down the door either because it could spark and blow up the building.

Buffy finds Cordelia, passed out in Marcie's ceiling nest bed. Marcie sneaks up (like she's ever NOT sneaky!) and throws Buffy through the ceiling tile floor, landing hard in the classroom below. Dazed, Buffy lays there as Marcie opens up her doctor's bag and injects her neck with something, Dexter-style. Her vision AKA our vision blurs cheesily, and she drops to the ground again.

Cut to the Bronze, with a sign up saying it's closed for fumigation... which is totally a shot from the episode "Angel" when they had the fumigation party/closing. Inside, Buffy is still passed out and tied to a throne, while Cordelia is tied to another next to her. Buffy stirs and Cordelia tells her she can't feel her face. Creepy! They're behind a curtain, and facing them is the work "LEARN" in glitter. Marcie's bedazzled this part of her psycho-lesson.

Still stuck in the basement, Giles says that Marcie's gone mad and that they have to get out of there. This feels like a filler scene to me, because those points are both super-obvious.

Back on the stage, Marcie's bummed that they don't understand her one-word messages. She tells them that they're not the students, but the lesson, and starts talking about Cordelia's beautiful face, saying that's what sets her apart from the rest. She says that everyone wants a face that people will remember, and that she's going to give Cordy a face no one will be able to forget, revealing a table of surgical instruments. Did Marcie go to invisible med school? Buffy tries to reason with her, but she's mad because she thought Buffy would understand but she's just like them. A floating scalpel nears Cordy's face. Cordy pleads for mercy, but Marcie is really excited about this plan- when the curtain opens at the coronation there'll be the mutilated Cordelia for everyone to remember forever.

In the basement, Xander comments that he's passing out. And scene.

Cordelia tells Marcie that she knows how she feels, which enrages Marcie and causes her to slash her cheek with the scalpel. Buffy meanwhile has gotten ahold of something sharp and is trying to cut the ropes that bind her. She manages to do so and tries to untie Cordelia but is kicked to the ground by her invisible enemy.

In the basement, Giles is passing out as Angel opens the door and pulls them out of what would have been a gassy death. He explains that he was bringing Giles the Codex and came in through the basement where he smelled the gas. He even offers to fix the valve since he doesn't need oxygen. OK, Angel is pretty useful right now. He may be MVP of this episode, since Buffy's too busy throwing pity parties to get shit done.

Speaking of, Buffy tells Marcie that she really felt sorry for her, but didn't realize she was a "thundering looney." Marcie, of course, kicks her again. Not sure if smack-talking the invisible girl with a scalpel is wise. Buffy is kicked about a lot in what looks like it was a super-fun scene to film ("Action! Now fall over! Now we're going to throw this chair on you!"), and when she tries to fight back she misses Marcie completely. Marcie points out that she can't fight something she can't see. Buffy tells Cordelia to shut up and we are faced with an epic slo-mo shot of Buffy standing still listening, her neckercheif blowing in the breeze (inside the Bronze- maybe the invisible girl farted?), and she suddenly belts Marcie, sending her backwards into the curtain so she is now covered in red velvet and in a way visible. Buffy punches her red velvet face before the two suits Willow noticed earlier burst in- they're FBI and say they can "rehabilitate" her. Buffy realizes that this has happened before or the FBI wouldn't be involved. She tells them they're creepy and they leave. Buffy finally unties Cordelia.

At school the next day, the gang lies to Buffy, telling her a janitor saved them and not Angel. Cordelia approaches them outside of the library and thanks them earnestly for helping her when they didn't have to. Willow starts to invite her to lunch when "I think he's dead" Mitch walks up, totally fine except for the black eye, and they leave together, making fun of the library gang once again.

Cut to a white hallway, where the 2 FBI agents are presumably walking Marcie into a classroom. The teacher is visible, but the students are not. I'm really not sure how she knows which seats are occupied, but she sits down and opens her book to the page the teacher requests, which is a chapter titled "Assassinations and Infiltrations." Also, the text of the chapter are the lyrics to Happiness is a Warm Gun. Marcie says "Cool!" and we cut to the credits.

I think this was a strong episode, mainly because of the large amounts of Cordelia. Even when they try to give her depth, they keep her bitchy and cruel, so she's just more fun to watch than the weepy Buffy who wishes she was popular again. My question is, how much work did Clea Duvall have to do for this episode? She's in like 2 flashbacks and otherwise it's all voice work. Nice work if you can get it, I guess!

Buffy Snark: Season One, Ep 10: Nightmares or "May We All Have Willow's Problems"

Happy new year, amigos.
We begin, once more, with the cheesy vamp voice intro. We're almost to the end of Season One. I really hope that means no prologue.
We open on Buffy sneaking into the Master's Lair, her stake at the ready. For some reason, she very un-sneakily walks to a corner, so she's facing it and all out in the open. She turns, and of course the Master is right behind her. Technically, the whole room was behind her in that position. He hisses, baring his nasty, nasty teeth, and Buffy lets the stake fall from her hand. The Master starts to strangle her, and Buffy begins to scream no.
Fade to Buffy's bedroom, where she's protesting no as Joyce tries to wake her up. Buffy does wake, and is shocked to see her mother and to be safe. Joyce tells her that her father's visit is definately ON. I guess Buffy's dad flakes a lot?
At school, Willow is asking about Buffy's dad. Buffy says she doesn't see him often and he still lives in LA. They talk about the divorce, and Buffy takes some responsibility for the split, as she was often in slayer-related trouble. Willow assures her it had nothing to do with her, or he wouldn't come visit, even infrequently. Buffy's dad is crappy thus far. Who couldn't get along with Joyce, anyway?
Cordelia's perfecting her eyeshadow in a compact when a boy steps into the sunlight shining on her. She asks this "Wendell" to move, and Xander makes a lame joke as if he and Wendell are buddies. Uh-oh, when the gang suddenly has friends we've never heard of, things don't look good for them! So Wendell and his ponytail are suddenly part of the gang and they joke about how Xander didn't do the homework and doesn't remember the lesson he participated in yesterday, because the teacher had on a tight sweater. Then we see the teacher, and Xander must be pretty desperate I guess. Class begins, and Buffy drops her pencil like a spaz. She leans down to grab it, and notices a little boy standing in the doorway. The teacher calls on Wendell to read from the book, and when he opens his text, tarantulas crawl out of it. He shrieks, the not-cute teacher shrieks. Everyone freaks out, they're crawling on his back now. The little boy stands in the doorway, staring, and says quietly "Sorry about that."
The Master is chilling with his tiny BFF, the Anointed One. He's telling him that fear is the most powerful emotion in the world. By leaning in inches from his face. Ew. The Master grabs a cross and says that fear, like pain, can be controlled. I think the Master could totally teach at the Learning Annex. The Master can feel that something is happening above. The Anointed can feel a change coming for the worse. Insert evil laugh here.
Buffy's mom is dropping her at school. Apparently Buffy didn't sleep well, again. She forgot to bring her bag for the weekend with Dad, and is freaking out. Joyce says it's no big deal, they can stop home after school and get it. Joyce reminds Buffy that her dad adores her.
Buffy walks inside and is accosted by Willow and Xander. Wilow is freaking out about the spider incident, apparently she is not a big fan of the arachnid. Xander throws out the hellmouth bit about the "mystical convergence" again. He says that whatever comes their way, Buffy can deal with because she's "da man." They walk into the library, but Giles is nowhere to be seen. Buffy calls for him, and he emerges from the stacks, looking winded and confused. Buffy jokes that he was sleeping, but he says he was lost in the stacks and obviously is distressed about it. He couldn't find anything about the spiders, he couldn't find anything at all. He suggests they talk to Mr. Wendell himself.
Wendell's sitting on a lunch table looking kinda... empty. They go to talk to him, and he doesn't reply for a bit. They ask how he's doing, after the spider thing. Xander says they're just insects, and Wendell gets a bit upset because "They're arachnids." To which Xander replies "They're from the middle east?" Buffy asks if this has happened before, and Wendell says "Lots of times." It's a very candid interrogation with no actual information. Cordelia comes up with a ridiculous neck scarf and tells Buffy they have a test next period. Buffy knew nothing about it and runs off after Cordy. Wendell tells Willow and Xander that he had a vast collection of spiders, but his brother killed them all while he was away at camp. He's had nightmares about spiders coming out of his textbook in class ever since.
Cordy yells to Buffy again- apparently she couldn't even find the classroom, she's only been to history class once (she thinks). There's no way she's passing this test. Wouldn't you just skip? But she goes in. Buffy can't even write her name, her pencil breaks. She sees the clock has skipped dramatically and she hasn't even started. Her teacher stares at her. Can we all just take a moment to respect this glorious man? I wish I could post pictures of everyone in this scene. There is neon, a 70s printed blouse on an asian dude, cordy's 50s prom neckerchief... but the half-man, half-walrus teacher won the picture privilege. The bell rings immediately, and the class turns in their tests while Buffy just sits there. She sees the little boy from the spider thing staring from the doorway.
Little boy heads down the hallway and sees two girls talking about boyfriend drama. One says she's taking a smoke break and heads into the basement. Really? I thought that was what the parking lot was for in high school? The little boy whispers "You shouldn't go in there." Maybe if he spoke up, people could actually heed his warnings? Bitch totally goes in there, and I just don't get it still because it's a creepy dark basement that looks like Freddie Krueger might live down there. It's not Freddie, but a dude who looks more like Sloth from the Goonies who attacks the dumb little smoker. He says "Lucky 19" before he jumps her, and there is a lot of screaming, panning up to a sign reading "Smoking Kills." Oh, Joss.
Buffy and Giles are hurrying through the hospital to find Laura, the basement smoker. She looks like hell, but she tells them what happened, unable to describe the attacker to them. Buffy and Giles talk to her doctor, who describes her extensive injuriries but says she got off easy compared to the first victim. He shows Buffy and Giles a little boy in a coma from a similar attack last week.
At school, Willow's still freaking to Xander about the spider thing and how it's maybe connected to Laura's attack. A group of actual GREASERS is hanging in the hallway, one of them talking about his honor and being all cool when his mom runs in and starts kissing him and fussing over him. If anyone had any greasers at their high school, please let me know. I'm curious. I went to 2 high schools and no greasers at either.
Xander and Willow walk into their classroom and everyone gapes and laughs. Willow turns around to see that Xander is naked. No, he's just in his boxers. Damnit! What kind of nightmare is this? He runs out of the room screaming, with Willow chasing after him, probably wanting to jump him.
Buffy goes to see Giles in the library, who has newspapers spread all around him. He tells Buffy that he's been trying to do research, but at the moment he can't read. Buffy takes a paper from him and sees that the little boy in the coma in the hospital is the same one she's been seeing around school. Duh! Giles points out that the little boy, Billy, couldn't have been at school if he's been in a coma. They discuss astral projection but Giles says they don't have much to go on. Buffy finally notices that in the photo the little boy is wearing his little league jersey and is #19. Lucky 19. They're interrupted when Buffy's dad, Hank Summers, enters the library asking why she isn't in class. He needs to talk to her. She introduces him to Giles. Father meet Father-figure. They head out to talk in private.
Hank says he wants to discuss the divorce, and that she's old enough to know the truth. Buffy asks if there was someone else, and he laughs, saying no, that it was her that ruined their marriage. He continues to talk about how hard it was to see her every day and what a strain she was. Buffy is obviously destroyed by this. She starts to cry, and he says she shouldn't get blubbery when he's just being honest, and that while he's being honest, he doesn't want to do weekend visits any more. He leaves her, and she sees the little boy, Billy, watching her from a doorway. That kid loves doorways!
Willow and Xander find Giles in the library, and Giles asks why Xander's in gym clothes. They explain about Xander's sudden case of near-nudity and Willow goes on about how she'd hate to have everyone staring at her like that. Finally Willow realizes the link- both Wendell and Xander had their recurring dream come true. Giles also had dreams of getting lost in the stacks and not being able to read. He thinks it all has to do with Billy. Willow asks how and Giles literally says "Things like that are easy when you live on a Hellmouth." He says soon enough, everyone's nightmares will be coming true. And we cut to Cordelia in a mirror, screaming, her hair huge and frizzy.
Buffy's walking around all sad, when she sees Billy ducking into the gym. She follows him in to find him sitting alone on the bleachers. She asks why he's there. He doesn't respond. She asks him about getting hurt, and he doesn't remember. He's pretty unresponsive until she asks if he's Lucky 19, and he says that's what "he" calls me, and that "he" wants to kill Billy. He freaks out, and finally says "He's here!" as the ugly sloth-looking guy hits Buffy with a club. She fights the "Ugly Man" as Billy so eloquently names him before running away, but she is overwhelmed and runs away with a slight limp. Lame!
Giles is eager to find Buffy since her nightmares coming true are probably worse than your layman's fears. Giles suggests the 3 friends split up to find her faster, and Giles and Xander depart leaving a terrified Willow.
Buffy tries to lock the Ugly Man in the gym, and sees Billy standing outside. He says he can't help her and doesn't know who he really is. Buffy says they need to find her friends for help, and he says they need to hide.
Meanwhile, Cordelia is being dragged down the hallway by a couple of nerds. Clearly her nightmare is coming true. I love her. She's being dragged into chess club. Willow smirks, before hearing Buffy call to her. She heads into the basement, where the calls seemed to be coming from. Uh-oh. A hand grabs Willow and she screams.
Meanwhile, Xander is exploring another area of school. An area that looks like a nazi riot took place. There are swastikas painted on the walls, ladders out and about, and more sheet plastic than a kill room in Dexter. Ok, probably not that last one. Xander is excited to see a chocolate bar on the ground and says "Someone else's loss my chocolatey goodness," which reminds me of the time in college when I came across the website Chocolatey Goodness. It seems to be down now, but you can get the idea from this leftover page. Anyway, Xander continues to find chocolate bars on the floor and eat them greedily.
Buffy and Billy are lost, and have ended up by the baseball field rather than the library as intended. Billy says that when you lose baseball it's bad, and that he lost the last game. Buffy says there were 8 other people on the team, but Billy says "he" said that it was Billy's fault. I'm starting to get tired of Billy. They should put him against the Anointed One in a cage match or something. Ugly Man finally finds them. Buffy pulls Billy through a hedge to escape, and they end up in a graveyard, where it's nighttime. Prob not a good sign.
Willow's being dragged by a man, and she's... wearing a kimono. The man is annoyed she's late. He pushes her on stage where she's performing opera with a large man named Paolo. He begins their duet and when it comes to her part she obviously doesn't know it. The crowd gasps, Paolo rolls his eyes.
Xander continues down the nazi candy hallway, finding a Chocolate Hurricane bar. He's excited because he hasn't had one since his 6th Birthday... and then he's not as excited. There's a giggling and suddenly a scary clown with a knife emerges from behind the plastic. Xander shrieks and runs away. May I just say that clowns are scary as hell! Thanks a lot, Stephen King!
Buffy and Billy are stuck in the dark graveyard, and Billy has found an open grave. The Master shows up, above ground. Buffy says that it can't be real, and he explains that he is free because she fears it, and he has Billy to thank for making it happen. Damnit, Billy! The Master pushes Buffy into the open grave and buries her alive.
Willow escapes from her not-so-scary opera into the hallway, where Xander collects her and Giles, and they continue to run from the clown. Finally Xander turns around and punches the clown in the face, saying he was a horrible clown and his balloon animals sucked. Who'd have thought Xander would be the first to face his fear? They escape and see this wonder of CGI- the nighttime cemetary next to the school. Nice work, special-effects guys. They head over there and find Buffy's new grave. Giles mourns for a bit, clearly this is his nightmare. He touches the ground and Buffy's hand grabs his, pulling herself out of the dirt. She's a vampire. Willow points this out, and Buffy turns from them, horrified. Giles says everything will go back to normal when Billy wakes up. They head to the hospital (though I don't know how since Buffy can't go in sunlight, and it does seem to be day everywhere but the cemetery), where the dead are chasing doctor around and Billy's doctor's hands are wizened and paralised. They go to Billy's room, and Giles yells at the comatose boy to wake up, meanwhile astral projection Billy emerges to say that it won't work. He needs to stay hidden from the Ugly Man. Who's coming down the hallway as they speak. Buffy heads off to fight him, while Willow looks out the window to see a swarm of wasps over the city. This plot just keeps getting wackier. Buffy gives Ugly Man a speech about how there are things out there scarier than him- including her new vamp self. She jumps him, they fight, and she knocks him to the ground. She calls Billy over, saying he has to finish it. Billy pulls a mask off of Ugly Man's face, and the room is filled with light. The non-astral Billy has woken up from his coma, and the world is back to normal. Buffy's human, the Ugly Man is gone. Willow is relieved to be out of her kimono. Seriously? Her nightmare was a breeze! Billy rips off the "I had the strangest dream" part of Wizard of Oz. They're getting acquainted when his little league Coach walks in. He says that he visits Billy every day, and that Billy's his Lucky 19. Buffy confronts him about beating up Billy, stepping aside so that he sees Billy is awake. Billy confronts him too, finally. The coach tries to flee, but Xander and Giles grab him. Oh man, I think this may be a citizen's arrest! Buffy congratulates Billy, but I think he caused an awful lot of trouble by astrally projecting himself and his nightmares.
Back at school, over some surf rock, Buffy and her friends are discussing the mean coach and the brutality of little league. Willow mentions that the coach is behind bars, and Buffy commends Xander for his bravery in the arrest. Her dad pulls up and they hug, presumably the afternoon's events weren't real. They drive off, and Willow asks Xander if he was still attracted to Buffy when she was a vampire. He was.
I guess I liked this episode as I had a hard time editing the summary and picking what images to use. It has it's share of comedic moments, and also a scary clown. I just wish that Billy wasn't so damn annoying. Can't we enjoy the first 4 seasons without any annoying children? And couldn't Willow have had a more interesting fear than stage fright? I found Giles not being able to read more compelling than the opera scene! That's not a nightmare, it's a weird dream.
Happy 2011s to all of you!

Buffy Snark: Season One, Ep 9: The Puppet Show or "Never, Ever, Get into a Guillotine"

Did anyone catch the Buffy clip on the Daily Show last week? Jon Stewart, you had me at Alex P. Keaton.
On to The Puppet Show! I hope it's as fun as Avenue Q!
Cheesey vamp voice. Again. Forreal.
We open on a crotch shot, while someone says "I will be whole" in a creepy voice. Wait, I thought this was a puppet show, not a peep show! The crotch belongs to a blond ballerina who's warming up by showing us her cameltoe. The camera shifts, and we see all sorts of hi-jinx- there's a ginger juggler, a tuba player, a violinist, a magician, and... you guessed it, a puppet! A nerdy dude is rubbing his head intensely while holding his ventriloquist dummy. Those things have always creeped me out.
To counteract the freaky dummy, the wondrous Cordelia is singing "The Greatest Love of All" on stage. She's wearing an unforgivable crushed velvet mock turtleneck that she probably borrowed it from Angel (I hear he's a member of the crushed-velvet-of-the-month club). Giles is watching in the audience, horrified, and tells her to shut up and get off the stage with her ugly shirt. OK, maybe not in those exact words. A tuba begins to toot and Buffy, Xander, and Willow join Giles in the audience. Turns out there's a new principal, and he's forcing Giles to produce the school talent show. Giles is miserable, and annoyed that the gang is making fun rather than helping him. As they leave Giles to his assignment, giggling, they run into newly-hired Principal Snyder, who busts them for making fun of the talent show, and for skipping school the day before. Willow's shirt has a rubber ducky on it. Oh, Willow. Snyder decides that the 3 friends need to participate in the show, while Giles smirks. Xander tries to bargain for detention instead, but Snyder's having none of it. The 3 kids sit next to Giles and mope.
The ventriloquist act goes on stage, and Buffy agrees with me that dummies are creepy. The ventriloquist introduces himself as Morgan, and his dummy's named Sid. Morgan does his thang, which is horrible- the jokes suck, and Morgan's mouth is moving whenever Sid speaks. But then, Sid's voice becomes deeper, Morgan's mouth isn't moving anymore, and Sid starts making fun of Morgan. Everyone laughs, Morgan really had them fooled!
In the locker room, the ballerina whose junk we opened on has changed into her civvies. She thinks she hears something, and starts skulking about, instead of leaving. She turns around and screams, and we hear the voice from the beginning say "I will be flesh." Delightful.
Back at rehearsal, the magician has lost his rabbit. Don't let the name fool you, there is no talent in this talent show. Xander wants to back out of the scene they've decided on, but they're distracted when Sid the dummy starts to whistle and ogle Buffy and Willow. Willow compliments Morgan on his improved skills, but Sid continues to flirt with Willow ("Once you go wood, nothing's as good." I kid you not). Buffy threatens to burn Sid if he doesn't get some non-horny jokes. Party pooper.
Snyder and Giles are chatting about how Snyder doesn't like kids and how he knows the school's past and that he needs to keep people in line. He says that everyone can expect a new Sunnydale, one that's orderly and quiet...
Cue the scream of a girl finding the ballerina's body. Giles tells Willow, Buffy, and Xander that dancer Emily is dead, and everyone acts like they care. He tells them her heart was removed, and a large knife was there, so they figure their killer is a human. Buffy reminds them about the Hellmouth (like they'd forget?) and is convinced it's NOT a human's work. Giles asks them to talk to the other non-talented talent show performers to see if anyone saw anything.
Interrogation montage: Buffy takes tuba-girl, who saw Emily the day she died (yeah, they all did) but she seemed fine. Giles is talking to the magician, who saw her talking to someone. Willow's talking to the juggler, a glorious specimen who has long curly ginger hair and is a hippie dude and did i mention he's a juggler? Like, he is just walking around with a tennis ball in his hand, because that's how dedicated he is to his craft. Damn. This juggling god tells Willow that Emily was talking to Morgan, and he was acting strange. Xander is listening to Cordelia wail about losing her good friend Emma.
Tuba girl tells Buffy that Morgan's weird and is "always rubbing his head a lot and moaning." Yikes. Magician tells Giles that Morgan's paranoid. The juggling male Nicole Kidman circa 1992 says he saw Morgan arguing with his dummy! Cordelia is still talking about herself.
Buffy walks into the auditorium and sees dummy Sid sitting alone on a stool on stage, talking. Morgan appears, replying, but sees Buffy and says he was throwing his voice. She questions him, and he seems to get some serious head pain, and doubles over. Sid tells her he's done answering questions, Morgan tells him it's OK, and he puts Sid away. Morgan acts like he wants to say something about Sid, but doesn't and runs off.
When Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Giles meet up, they all agree that Morgan's involved. Giles basically says he's too busy with the talent show to do any demon research, and that the show must go on. Buffy breaks into Morgan's locker, but is quickly busted by Principal Snyder, who wants her off of school property after school hours. He says he won't tolerate loitering, horrible murders with hearts removed, and smoking. He's got spunk, this Snyder. Buffy pretends she was grabbing Sid for Morgan but Sid's not in his case!
Morgan and Sid are arguing on stage, which is clearly the best place for a secret conversation. Sid says "She's the one," siting her strength as proof. Morgan says "I won't," and Sid says "I will." And the award for most over-dramatic scene between a man and a puppet goes to...
Buffy's getting ready for bed and Joyce pops in ask about the talent show. Buffy literally begs her mom not to come. Poor Joyce. Buffy gets in bed and turns the lights out, and we see Sid's wooden face peeping in the window.
Buffy wakes up in the night to something in her bed. That dummy really is a perv! Joyce runs in when Buffy screams, but after checking the bed, they decide Buffy must have imagined it... until Buffy notices her window is now open.
Talent show rehearsal. The magician puts his "lovely" assistant into a box, but she doesn't disappear. Cordelia's arguing with Giles because she doesn't like the order of acts. She's wearing another turtleneck, wtf? Giles gets her to shut up by pretending there's something wrong with her hair. He meets Buffy, who has walked in dazed, and they join Willow and Xander in the audience. Why don't these kids ever have to rehearse? Buffy tells them she thinks Sid was in her room last night, and that he was alive. They don't really believe her, which is lame. Giles tells them he's found a possible demon culprit- a brotherhood of demons who collect human hearts and brains every 7 years so that they may appear human themselves. Giles doesn't think Morgan could be a demon because he seems to be getting weaker.
Buffy's in US History learning about Monroe when Sid turns his head around exorcist style to look at her. Sid whispers to Morgan, and the teacher calls on him, but Sid tells her off. She takes the dummy, telling Morgan she'll give him back after school. She locks him in a cupboard, but they can still hear Sid yell.
Morgan returns after school, and the teacher tries to talk to him about the changes he's going through, but he just wants his dummy back. Unfortunately, Sid's gone, and Morgan freaks out.
Buffy, Giles, and Willow walk into the library to find Xander playing with Sid. He stole him from the cupboard so that Buffy could talk to Morgan alone. Xander goofs around with the dummy, trying to prove to Buffy that he's inanimate, but Buffy's still creeped out. She goes to find Morgan, Willow and Giles head to the stacks to research the demon, and Xander sets Sid down on a chair.
Buffy's looking for Morgan in the auditorium, and sneaks around backstage, hearing noises. She runs into a creepy Principal Snyder, who tells her it's not safe for her to be there alone. He leaves her to her stalking.
Willow shows Giles a book she found in which human-like dolls can become human by harvesting organs. Ew. Maybe Buffy was right about that dummy! And when Xander turns his back a second later, Sid disappears. When he notices a few minutes later, Xander jumps on his chair. I do this with mice so I can't make fun. Mice are way less scary than dummies!
Buffy's still lurking backstage, trying to find Morgan in the dark. Eventually she slips on blood. Guess we found Morgan. Buffy backs away, and is knocked out by a chandelier that is dropped on her head. Seriously, where'd that come from? Buffy comes to, but is pinned under the chandelier, trying to push it off when Sid attacks her with a knife. They fight, she pins him to a wall, and have a strange conversation before realizing that they both are trying to stop the organ harvesting demon. Good thing Sid's crap with a knife.
In Giles' office, Sid tells the gang how he was cursed and turned into a dummy ages ago. If Sid kills all of the brethren, the curse will be lifted, and this is the last one. They figure whoever killed Emily and Morgan will have taken off, so they can just see who doesn't show at the talent show. Giles freaks out, he'd forgotten about the show and was supposed to be there.
Backstage, where it seemed like 30 minutes ago that Buffy slipped on blood in the dark, is now hoppin' with the "talent." Cordelia's freaking out about people judging her, so Giles creatively tells her to picture everyone in their underwear. In middle school somebody told me to imagine everyone in the audience is constipated, which I think is a little more fun. Giles asks everyone to assemble on stage so they can see who's missing. Up above the stage, Buffy tells Sid she's the Slayer, and he tells her he was once involved with a Slayer before he was a dummy. He also explains that since his body is long gone, when the curse is lifted he'll be gone too, but finally free. Then he puts his wooden hand on Buffy's thigh.
Giles assembles the talent, and everyone is there... so their plan didn't work at all. Giles sees Snyder backstage and follows him. Buffy can't find Sid and in searching for him, finds Morgan's brain instead. Willow does some research and finds that Morgan has a neurosurgeon on file, and they determine that Morgan's brain wasn't healthy, and the demon was still looking for one. Buffy and Xander are worried about Willow being targeted for her extreme nerdiness, while Giles helps the magician prepare for his guillotine act. As he persuades Giles to lay down in the guillotine, we see that his hand is starting to look a bit... inhuman.
The kids finally realize that the demon is probably still in the talent show and smart-as-hell Giles is in the thick of it, and run off to save him.
Giles' head is in the guillotine, and the magician explains that this will extract his brain cleanly, and heads off to start swinging an axe at the rope suspending the blade. Just as it looks like our Giles will lose his head, Buffy shows up and beats on the magician, who beings to lose skin and look more demonic as he is roughed up. The rope breaks, but Xander catches it before it can chop off Giles' crown. That's a rare save by Xander! Willow gets the axe and, with some effort, busts Giles free from the vise around his head. Buffy is now fighting a full-on demon, and kind of losing as he pins her against the wall and strangles her. Sid jumps in and starts stabbing the demon, as if things couldn't get any more ridiculous. Buffy and Sid beat on the demon, eventually throwing him back into the guillotine, where he is beheaded by his own magic trick/brain guillotine. Sid stabs him in the heart and goes limp, finally at rest. Buffy cradles his limp dummy body, and suddenly the curtain goes up. The gang freezes as the audience stares at them. Snyder whispers "I don't get it."
In a Buffy rarity, there is a scene during the credits of Buffy, Xander, and Willow performing a scene from Oedipus Rex for the show. Xander overacts, Buffy is just over it, and Willow panics when her line comes and rushes off the stage.
I liked that this episode worked to make you suspect different people, including the new principal. I don't like the cheesy, horny dummy. And I really don't like the turtlenecks. The moral of this story is: Never, ever, get into a guillotine. Seriously. The more you know.